I Love You Live Mascots
My college does not have a mascot. The Indiana Hoosiers have gone decades without even a modicum of “weird guy on the sideline getting into shenanigans while covered in 100 pounds of felt and silk” and frankly I’m fine with it. Maybe it’s because we’ve never had a mascot in my lifetime so I haven’t had anything to miss. Maybe it’s because “Hoosier” is a fairly ambiguous word meaning “person from Indiana” which isn’t exactly the most interesting mascot. Maybe it’s because no mascot we could dream of would be able to beat the terrifying Purdue Pete in a fight to the death (you all know I’m right). I simply don’t care that much.
That is, most of the time. Sure, I can look around at mascots and think “that looks fun.” Puddles rocks, the Stanford Cardinal is at least visually appealing, Purdue Pete makes me feel a type of primal fear that both scares me and reminds me that I am alive. But I’m just never *that* into it. That is, until the live mascot comes into play.
Live mascots are one of my favorite things about college sports. Sure, pro teams might have a live mascot, but in college? Well I guess they’re a little more at liberty to get silly with it. A lot of these are dogs, which makes sense because many colleges have “bulldog” or “husky” as a generic mascot. Personally, I love Uga, Georgia’s ornery bulldog mascot. If Uga was a spice he’d be chili powder. If Uga was a weapon he’d be bear spray. About a year ago I wrote about how I think Uga could beat Devin Booker in a fight, and I still stand on that. Uga tried to fight a cow and didn’t even get trampled. You know how hard it is for a bulldog to be both “about it” and “ready to step out of the way at any time.” He has the physical features of a sack of potatoes and yet he’s got the short burst speed of Lamar Jackson. I love you dearly Uga, and you will never die.
I went out to Colorado in the fall. My family and I made a day trip to Boulder and while there I had to ask about Ralphie. You see, UC Boulder has a Buffalo mascot. Yes, a real one. No, I did not get to meet him. I asked a couple of friendly looking students to tell me what I was missing out on- mostly questions like “where does Ralphie live?” I felt like it would be pretty hard to keep a Buffalo on campus- if you’ve been to UC Boulder you’d know there isn’t exactly “ample buffalo storage.” Does Ralphie have an apartment? Is Ralphie an RA at a dorm? Is Ralphie in a frat? Unfortunately I was not able to get a conclusive answer because the students didn’t know. You see, Ralphie is in witness protection. I was told that Ralphie’s location is kept a secret at all times so that students don’t find and harass him. Ralphie makes his rare appearance count, and with Deion Sanders in town I believe we’ll be seeing more of Ralphie on national television in the coming years.
Mike the Tiger at Louisiana State is another great live mascot, although as somebody who’s admittedly unfamiliar with proper tiger living conditions I’m not exactly sure what the ethics are on keeping a tiger in Louisiana. Lady and Joy at Baylor are actual real bears, although Joy passed last year.
Hell, IU doesn’t even have to go that far out of the way to find a good live mascot. Butler University has Butler Blue, who is essentially the Mario to Uga’s Wario. There has been a movement by some students on campus to bring back the Buffalo mascot, last used in 1969, but if we’re going buffalo mascot I’d prefer to take the Colorado route. I would nominate my pug Charlie, but he’s very old and is overwhelmed by loud noises making his fit less than ideal.
Does Indiana need a mascot? Not really. Do I want an excuse to have a live animal on the sidelines of every home football game? You bet. So if anybody that makes decisions for IU is reading this- I have ideas.